I Am Not The One For You

September 17, 2018

I am not the one for you and I am so sorry.

I am trying to fall in love with you, but its just not working. Your face cannot get any prettier. Your butt couldnt be any more perfect and bouncy. You are beyond beautiful. You are educated and you are a scientist. On the exterior you are my motherfucking dream girl, but I dont want you.

You are making me a sweater from scratch as a surprise, and I need you to stop. Please dont finish it. I cant let you put so much work into something that is geared to fit my exact individualized measurements. I wont appreciate it like you want me to. You wont receive the loving reaction that you have earned.

I dont listen for clues about what your favorite Sylvia Plath quotes are or take note of your favorite water-ice flavor. Slugs have 4 noses, and you werent the first person I wanted to tell. When I tripped off the ledge at Kelly Drive and fell into the Schuylkill River, I (justifiably) had a very dramatic reaction. For days, I whole-heartedly believed that had I contracted both syphilis and a brain-eating amoeba from the repulsive unsanitary contaminated water. Even during that time of panic and fear I did not find comfort in you wanting to take care of me. I found comfort in wanting to take care of myself.

When youre driving behind me, I dont get out of my car at a stoplight and run to your window just so I can kiss you. I dont pick you a flower when were going for run. I dont grab your butt in Whole Foods or try to kiss your face off every second. I dont wonder about your day or save you that last Oreo in the Oreo sleeve. I dont demand that you immediately cease what youre doing so we can dance in the kitchen to Leon Bridges.

My schedule is not rearranged to fit you in. I dont care if weve just passed your favorite candle at Target. I wont pretend Ive forgotten to grab gummy bears and run back to memorize the candle brand. I dont feel compelled to steal your hoodies and hold them close to my nose because I miss you and crave your scent.

I dont think we make love, I think we have sex. I dont talk to you during or pull you closer after. I dont count the freckles on your back or rub your shoulders at night. I dont want to explore your body and know all your secrets. I have no desire to obsess over the details of you, like I should, and like you deserve.

When I met you, I was so vulnerable and heartbroken. I told you to do what you wanted and that I wasnt ready. Instead you stayed and have so greatly assisted in converting my weakness into strength. You have helped make me brave again.

Im thankful, more than you realize, but now I have to let you go. I have to get out of the way so you can be found by the person who cant wait to kiss you, who doesn’t have to try to fall in love.

About the Author

Leave a Comment:

All fields with “*” are required

Leave a Comment:

All fields with “*” are required