I Miss You Differently Now

February 20, 2019
Matt McK

Youre fading, finally.

They told me you would. Right after you left it was hard to believe, but you are. I wake up now, swing my legs over the side of the bed, and youre not the first thought on my mind. I have to remind myself to think of you. Six years is a long time. It feels like I should remind myself that you should be on my mind. You should be taking up space there. Its confusing that youre fading because some days I like it.

Youre fading, but I still miss you.

I miss you in ways I didnt even know I could miss a person. Not your touch. Not your smell. Its not that I dont miss those things, but its not those things that cause me heart to collapse in on itself like a dying star.

Its how the sunlight looked shining through your hair. Its the way some of your freckles were lighter than others. The way talking to you was like talking to me, and now even when I talk to myself I cant get the right words out.

I remember the way your skin sounded sliding through the sheets toward me in the middle of the night. Now theres nothing. I dont cry anymore. There really arent any tears left and maybe thats whats saddest.

My heart is just a heart. There are no more metaphors about it being full of love.

Its not a Valentines Day shaped heart, manufactured on a greeting card. Its an anatomical heart againbeating rhythmically for no other purpose than to keep me breathing, keep me going. I miss that you made me a walking, living, breathing, beating metaphor. I miss the romance. Now I am only biology.

I miss the lilt in your voice when you called my name. When you whispered my name. When you said it any way you wanted. Its been so long now that I even miss when you said it sternly during a fight, because at least that meant you were here, and we were still fighting for whatever this was.

I miss your presence. Just you being you. A hand on my back, lips on my neck. A smile in my eye line. Anything and nothing because it was everything but never enough at the same time. I was perfectly content with everything you were, but hungry for all of you, more of you, at the same time.

I miss your softness. I dont know if you covered it up, or you became soft, but I watched you reveal it, and it became a safe haven for me in so many storms. I wrapped your softness around me like a warm, flannel blanket during a blizzard, and you cradled me there.

But youre gone now. Youre fading. There are no light and dark freckles. No abrupt laughs. No softness. I dont know what words to say to myself to make anything better and all Im left with, it seems, is you, fading into a smaller dot on the horizon as I endure this new storm alone.

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