Our Marriage Will Probably Last, But I Still Often Think About Leaving Him
Is it true love when you can think of good things to say in the middle of an argument? Is it true love when you want to leave and escape all of the responsibilities of being a wife and mom but you cant seriously imagine ever doing it?
Today is my mothers birthday. Over 40 years ago she left. All these years I have struggled to deal with those feelings of abandonment, but I get it now. The way she left is more painful than the fact that she left. If she could have perhaps prepared us just a little, then when we got to be parents and/or spouses we certainly would have understood. Oh I am certain I would have understood, but she didnt prepare us and she didnt consider us and she just left.
Being married 24 years is maybe the greatest task I have ever undertaken. I cant say we have been successful but we are still married, havent had an actual legal separation, havent thrown each others clothes out the door but the thoughts have all been there. I think often of leaving him for no other reason than I just want to sleep by myself, wake myself up snoring and feel no obligation to put a phallic thing in my mouth so that I can feel like I am doing my wifely duties. I am not even sure if I would masturbate anymore. I stop myself now so I will feel like having sex because if I masturbated I doubt I would ever care. Its not him, its not me, its just 24 fucking years being married and then you add perimenopause and the beginnings of menopause, its sort of a miracle that we even like each other.
The funny thing is most people will read this and feel sorry for me or us or even him.
But the fact of the matter is this: most of you wont make it this far. This far is really, really hard and there are a multitude of reasons we have gotten here. First, I wanted to be sure I didnt do the same thing to my kids that my Mom and Dad did to me, and he felt the same way. Second, on many levels he is a great guy, great husband, and great father. Third, he likes to fight as much as I do and we dont hit each other. Well, I have thrown a few things but I worked on that and stopped many years ago. Fourth, its too expensive to leave him and I still have a kid to get through college. Fifth, I do love the fucking fuckhead and that makes it hard to leave.
At age 53, I think I have worked through a lot of those abandonment issues and I forgive my Mom. In terms of true love, Im going to see what happens. Im starting to get that crepe skin and it will be a lot harder to find a decent guy when that shit starts going crazy. Im still waxing the puss and taking care of business and I can still get wet on some occasions without lube, so I think we might be okay. Just wish he wasnt such a stupid fucking asshole so much.