How To Not Lose Your Damn Mind When He’s Not Texting You Back

February 28, 2019

Not long ago I ran across an article containing a listicle naming 7 “ways to cope” when He doesn’t text you back. The capital H “He” in this case isn’t in reference to God in a Biblical sense, but rather that equally holy, super-catch you met at WhiskeyTown last Saturday night between pickle back shots and holding back Jessica’s hair.

It’s now Sunday afternoon and the plaid-clad stud hasn’t returned your watermelon emoji text from last night OR the follow-up black Santa emoji you sent from today’s brunch. After reading through the article’s list on ways to deal with the radio silence, I found it to be decidedly unhelpful. And so below I’ve kept the core bolded ideas from the original article, but I’ve expanded on each, drawing from my own former-New Yorker perspective.

I’ve been in a total of 0 adulting relationships in the past 2 years (5 years if my dog doesn’t count)…so you can rest assured that I’m quite the expert.

1. Its NOTHING Personal.

He doesn’t mean anything personal by ignoring you; all he means is that it’s not him, it’s you.

2. Give It Time & Space.

Nothing says “psycho” like a triple text, and rule number one in relationship building is to make sure your love interest doesn’t know your real personality until you’ve moved in together, you’re on your honeymoon, and he’s paid for your master’s degree. Take a moment here in these early stages and pretend you’re so cool, you’re practically Jennifer Lawrence.

3. Do Other Things.

Learn to read. Buy some friends. Eat your feelings at your local IHop. Post a scandalous Instagram selfie to simultaneously show him what he’s missing and disgrace your family. Focus on your career by decorating the cubicle at your PR internship with inspirational quotes by Anonymous.

4. Move On.

You didn’t join Equinox for the elliptical machines, Ashley. Hit the gym and find your next prey. You know how at butcher shops you can request to see the exact slab of tenderloin you’re purchasing for Christmas dinner? Same thing applies to the tender loins of your next date.

“Accidentally” walk into the men’s locker room to avoid buyer’s remorse. Always remember, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. And trust me, I know firsthand how difficult it is to move on from a shared experience as soul-binding as sipping a PBR in a musty pit set to house music, but your deep love of pluralizing nouns with a “z” won’t be taken for granted with the right man.

5. React.

You cant control someone ignoring you, but you can control your own reactions. So stalk him on social media, find out where he lives, break into his apartment and steal his man-scaper. Fill his wholesale greek yogurt containers with mayonnaise. Find incriminating evidence that he cheated on his tax returns last year and contact the IRS.

Don’t forget: He didn’t TEXT YOU BACK! You’re completely within your emotional (and I’m pretty sure, legal) rights to ruin his entire life and have him deported back to Canada.

No one said being textually active was easy.

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